Why I Hate Camping: Let Me Count the Ways...
I'm Not Strange, I Just Hate Camping!
I HATE CAMPING. I hate camping in Maine, where I grew up, in scenic Colorado where I now live, and will probably hate camping in every other place I end up. I have hated camping ever since the first time I went camping with my parents. I've hated every single camping trip I've ever been on. My most recent camping trip was no exception: eight adults, a one-year-old baby, and way too much stuff.
Do you hate camping, too? Keep reading to see if any of my top-10 reasons resonate with you.
1. Camping Checklist: A Heck of a Lot of Stuff
Camping involves too much STUFF. A tent, sleeping bags, sleeping bag pads, pillows, clothes, all the toiletries you could possibly need plus first-aid equipment, flashlights, bottled water, food... and so much more. Camping equipment for one couple can easily fill a backseat and a trunk, with a duffle bag on the roof for good measure. This is not really an option when you have to fit five adults into one car, but somehow, people think they can make it work.
And don't even get me started on putting AWAY the stuff you bring back from camping. The dirty, greasy, stuff that smells like a week-old campfire.
2. Dirt, Grime, Sweat, and General Ickiness
I've said time and time again, camping wouldn't be so bad if there were SHOWERS and NICE BATHROOMS. Some campgrounds DO have these things, but not the ones we go to! Porta-potties with no sinks? Sign me up! Waking up after a day of hiking around and sitting in front of a campfire and NOT showering? Yes please!
I'm kidding, of course.
I HATE all the mess that goes along with camping. Anything more than an overnight is just unbearable. If you're a guy, you can't understand the grossness that is long, fine hair after a day and night of camping. It's enough to make me feel sick. Besides, who can be confident and outdoorsy when they feel and look disgusting?
3. Tent Camping: The Art of (Not) Sleeping in a Tent
Who invented tents, anyway? And who thought that sleeping in a sleeping bag IN a tent is a better option than sleeping in a nice bed at home? A home that conveniently includes SHOWERS and BATHROOMS?
I absolutely LOATHE sleeping in a tent. The sleeping bag slides on the pad, which in turn slides on the slick tent floor. Do sleeping bags RUSTLE when you roll over, or when your tent-mate rolls over? YOU BET THEY DO! Is it annoying to zip and unzip your sleeping bag when you feel cold or hot? You know the answer to that question.
And speaking of zipping - the tent! Do you have to pee in the middle of the night? Unzip your sleeping bag, find your shoes, unzip your tent, freeze on your way to the (aforesaid disgusting) bathroom, or a nice patch of bushes. A mosquito will probably bite you on your trip, too. THEN, come back! Unzip the tent! ZIIIIIIIIP! Get in! Zip it back up! ZIIIIIIIP! Get back into your sleeping bag, try to reach your feet to warm them up (which you can't, because your sleeping bag narrows towards the bottom like a coffin), and zip up your sleeping bag again.
OH MY GOD I HATE CAMPING.
In conclusion, I really, really hate camping. Unfortunately, I know have many friends that seem to thrive on the "thrill" of camping. Somehow I always end up getting talked into camping, but after writing all that down, I'm considering never camping again.
After a camping trip, I'm always left with the same question: Can someone tell me what's more fun about being outdoors all day and SPENDING THE NIGHT instead of being outdoors all day and then coming home to a shower and a bed? Anyone?
If you are unlucky enough to get stuck camping despite all of its objectionable aspects, click here to read a survival guide for the reluctant camper.